What People Didn’t tell me about being a mom

This blog is about what people didn’t tell me about being a mom, or maybe what I didn’t take seriously enough.

  1. You will be scared everyday for the rest of your life

What I mean by this is, the rest of your life you will be scared of, your child getting hurt, losing your child literally, having something bad happen to your child, or of all the bad people in the world. I literally spend days at work so terrified that maybe that morning was the last morning I will see him and the guilt that consumes me after that is all but lethal. My love for my child goes deep.. so deep that I struggle to understand other loves. I can no longer watch a scary movie because every character could be my son or myself, and I can’t leave my son and he can’t leave me. Therefor scared everyday!

2. People will lie to you!

Everyday a million people will offer to help you! I wouldn’t expect 70% of them to help! I mean that in the nicest way because the only people who are going to help are your village! People will offer to babysit whenever you need, but then you will call and they will have plans! Your village will drop these plans fyi (create a village). That people don’t mind your child crying – you remember being a kidless adult – they mind. What you will really want by help is to clean your house, make you food, take your for a pedicure, what they mean by help : let me hold your cute adorable baby until it cries and I use that as my Cue to leave!

3.  You will never sleep great again!

I wish someone would have told me how simply crazy I would become, if I had taken the time to count the number of times I got up in the middle of the night to check if my kid was ALIVE it would be infinite. You will never sleep soundly again until they are adults and live in their own homes and you live in a retirement home and have forgotten you have children. I’m serious, you will spend your nights worrying if they are alive, had enough to eat, if you packed enough food in their lunch, if that bruise from the falling off the coffee table makes you look like a bad mom.

       4. Never thought sex could be worse then your first time?

Think again, your first time will be awful. You think losing your virginity is bad, try losing your reincarnated virginity after childbirth. YOUR VAGINA IS NOT THE SAME LADY ANYMORE! She has changed! It don’t matter how good your doctor stitched that girl up, she is different and you need to take ‘er slow! My advise get a bottle of lube, and a bottle of wine finish the wine then finish the lube and have sex. 

5. Your blissful time in the bathroom peeing is no more.

First you will never again have alone time in the bathroom. You will always have someone following you, or being held by you, hell you may even be breastfeeding and peeing. Well I’m on the topic of the bathroom, be sure to prepare yourself for your first poop, its awful. Get some stool softener before you go home! Now back to other bathroom business,  The glorious water bottle needs to be the right temperature, too hot and you will BURN your lady bits. Too cold and you aren’t doing anyone a favor, Squirt while peeing, it will help and after. When you finally go back to toilet paper, “the Dab” is your new move. You will also never have the same urgency of peeing again. 

6. You will yell at your child.

This one will happen, its important to stop yourself and remind yourself why the hell am I yelling at my toddler who can’t even understand english!!! I was raised in a house of yellers. 4 kids, 2 dogs, there was shit to yell about. SO for me this one has happened and I’m not afraid to admit my husband asked, why are you yelling at our child. This is a bad habit of how I was raised and something we had definitely discussed wouldn’t happen, So I just remind myself, my voice to my child will become their inner voice. Stop myself or my husband does. Now don’t get me wrong there is a time and place for yelling.. but when they understand, and they stole your car while you were sleeping and crashed it! okay! 

7. Not Everyone is going to tell you your doing a good job, Hell half the baby boomers will tell you they raised 12 kids who never slept, were all back labor and breast fed till they were 12. But Really, Not everyone will congratulate you on your small victories!

When you did something really great before you had kids, you were told wow great job! your amazing. Now fast forward you have a child who sleeps 2/24 hours and your nipples are bleeding. You ARE superwoman and even if that damn baby boomer or dumb blog mom (haha) tells you otherwise, you are supermom. You have kept that small dependent child alive!!! You are a MOMBIE! Your whole world is for them now, you are doing a great great job! 

8. You are Human.

Seems like a odd one, I know. But you will never hear someone tell you, your human. You will make mistakes, you will do the wrong thing, your child may fall off your bed, or off the change table. It happens, recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, is the most important thing. There is no globally perfect mom, but to your child you are the best mom ever! Why do you think hallmark makes so much money off cards that say that? But seriously don’t be hard on yourself, don’t be hard on your spouse. 

9. Your Mind, Body and Soul have changed forever.

Your first thought is no longer, what should I do today, it is what will we do today. Your body is no longer a great temple that you should cherish, it is a god forsaken super human powerful life form which will never be the same. Yes there are crazy instagram moms who have lost all their baby weight and look amazing. But what I’m talking about is your body shape. Your hips have completely changed form YOU GAVE BIRTH! Your boobs will be sucked dry into tiny hollow dwellings. Blame them later! You will also never feel more amazing and beautiful in your own skin if you sit back and recognize everything that your body has done, will do and continues to do for you and your child. I now can eat a cheeseburger and feel no guilt because I am comfortable and proud of all that me and this mombie bod have done!

10. How you raise your child, is your choice.

There is no wrong way to raise a child, others will have opinions on how you do, Yes they will. But just remember you weren’t raised how your spouse was and you ended up together and happy and as parents. Peoples diversity is what makes them them self. Push your child to be who they are and be kind. Our children our not judgmental, they are not racist, they do not fear change, and they do not throw rocks unless shown. So remember that all that you know and show, is all they will know and show. Whatever you choose to do is your right way. Don’t allow yourself to feel the pressure of the social systems to do things you don’t want to in your child’s life. Do what you feel is right. 


p.s. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, support you, love you, and listen because being a mom is already a hard job.

Ps: nobody said I’d be pumping on my stagette 

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