To paint a picture for you, let me begin by telling you that tonight I am home with the baby, whose already asleep. Hubby is at hockey, the fire is burning, and a large glass of eggnog is waiting to be thoroughly enjoyed.So you know its gonna get sappy! Now let me begin.
Wait! Before I do: to our family, I apologize in advance if you do not want to read about this I get it!
I listen to the local radio station on my drive to work and the other day while I was listening I heard that Carrie Underwood says she keeps the magic alive by giving 50% of herself to her husband and the other 50% of herself to her baby. But where does that leave herself? We all know that we must give time to ourselves in order to stay happy, healthy and grounded. So it made me think, just how much time do I give my husband. I could recollect each month of my child’s life and tell you how much I gave to him at certain points or I could simply tell you how I learnt the hard way that my husband needed more.
For 6 years my husband was the only man in my life. He was my first thought when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before bed. I know Cheesy but its going somewhere. I have dated other man, but with my husband there was something different. I crave him in a way that I had never imagined to ever feel. When he walks into a room there is a strong desire for him. So naturally when I got pregnant I worried, would this desire go away? Would my husbands desire for me go away as I carried our child.
To be perfectly honest it was a scary time for us, so much was changing. Sometimes it felt as if we were losing our freedom. Yes we so deeply wanted this baby but any parent will tell you. You will miss being able to run an errand in 15 mins, or not have to find a babysitter to go have a drink with friends, or be able to drop everything for a last minute trip. Yes you can TOTALLY still do all these things, but the fact is 90% of our friends aren’t there yet. They are still indulging in pre-kid life, which is awesome but their lifestyle doesn’t always mesh with ours.
We were both also scared about being parents, would we royally screw this kid up for life? There is so much pressure on parents to be amazing and to not screw your kid up. The weight of this weighed heavily on us both. My pregnancy wasn’t like the movies, we fought, we argued, my hormones ran heavy! But the strong desire for my husband remained. The closer we came to becoming parents the more the reality of our future made us bond and find our balance again.
When Pearce was born the doctor said it would be approximately 8 weeks before you should be intimate. 8 WEEKS, It seemed like eternity, but I figured hey its like we are dating again with a baby. We had to work at making time for one another and the most important thing to remember when you have a new baby is to continue to love your spouse.
Your spouse gave you that baby, whether she carried it or he gave you the gift of motherhood, Parenthood is done together whether romantically or not, it should therefor be treated with respect. As my body began to heal and I got into the groove of being a mother my partner made sure to make me feel loved. He did this by showing love in the way he does; gifts. He is all about the small stuff and its something I love about him. He brought me candy, or scratch and wins, he would make dinner or simply come home take the baby and go in another room to allow me time.
To you this may sound like life, but to me this is just how you show you care for one another. Now up above I told you that I learnt the hard way that I needed to create balance. Flash forward past the 8 weeks, and all of THAT stuff. My husband told me that he felt as if I no longer felt I needed to take care of him. Now we had dated for 6 years where he was my first thought, last thought and everything I desired. So for a man to go from that to coming after a baby is tough, I slacked on lunches, dinner making, making sure he had clean underwear. Your probably all thinking that my husband is a demanding man but he is not. He helps and he provides. But it was how he had become accustom too throughout the years of me showing I cared. Which I never thought about.
Of course we had our bedroom love, but I am talking about the love that makes it through the bad. It takes work, it is not something that you can neglect. Once I realized that I had not been showing him care in a way he had always recognized I understood why my husband was so upset over life with the new me. It wasn’t because he didn’t like fatherhood or like our new life, it was because he didn’t understand that I still loved him. So I gave more, I spent more time with my husband if I was exhausted and he was at hockey, I waited up for our nightly conversation about his game like I had done before the baby. I made his favorite meals which he had taught me how to cook. I asked for a kiss before he left, and when he got home. I reminded myself that just because I am a mom, does not mean that I lost the role of a wife.
We were married in July of this year and the day I married that man I vowed to always love him, to always put him first. Good or bad, he’s my husband and making sure that we are BOTH happy in our marriage is my priority as much as my children’s happiness. Understanding that just because you have a child doesn’t mean you stop putting your man first. You may think I sound like a old fashion woman and that its a two way street, but my husband never treated me different, he continued to give his affection how he always had. I am thankful everyday I spend married to that man, he challenges me and pushes me and makes me feel whole. He loves me as the mother of his child as he did as the woman he loved before our son.
I make an effort now to love my husband in all the ways I did before children, by being spontaneous like before, making sure he knows he is loved. As for Carrie Underwood I would say I am still not giving either of them 50/50 but its about 45 baby, 30 husband, 25 me, I am not perfect I’m still figuring this whole motherhood, wife stuff out. But I think you must take care of yourself and be happy in order to enjoy, share and give to others as a happy individual. If you feel as though your spouse may be feeling a little down and not as loved, Get naked put on a robe, and go love them ❤