I felt like I have been so open in this process of running a blog, that I would share things that I don’t usually share with people a lot of which I am insecure about. Maybe this process will allow me to gain strength from sharing but also show you that if we share our insecurities we aren’t alone.
1. I have 4 tattoos.
My first I got when I was 19, and I felt I had truly found freedom in who in myself. When I was 15 years old I started dating a guy who really took over my life, he was older and my life turned into a constant battle to fit into his world, and be who he wanted me to be while undergoing a tremendous amount of hurt, So this felt like a decision I made solely on my own and didn’t need to discuss with anyone and that I could enjoy all my own. — Live Love Laugh, in japanese on my wrist
My second was my Leo symbol behind my ear. Everything I have ever read about my sign is so true about me, I feel a very deep connection with my astrology sign and very much enjoy reading about it. I should mention it resembles the Lulu lemon symbol… so It’s a constant joke for people to bug me about.
My third I got when I lost a very close friend of mine, she had a peace sign heart on her ankle so I wanted something to feel near to her, I got the same peace sign heart with wings and her name above it. She came at a time when I needed a friend and when I need someone to teach me my self-worth. Which she did, she made me stronger, wiser and over all gave me the ability to respect myself again.
My fourth I got when I went to Vegas with my mom, I really wanted Namaste on my finger however Hart and Huntington refused to do it, So I got it on the back of my neck. Namaste means I bow to you with my true self. At the time I got this I was 25, and I felt that I was who I would be for the rest of my life and this still stands true. I feel I am exactly who I should be and don’t ever question myself.
2. I love being alone! I thrive in the tranquility of the silence in my home. I am married to an incredibly busy man, a man who thrives while playing on 3 hockey teams, doing side jobs and spending time with friends… me I thrive just being at home, on the couch, with my tv show or a book, the fire on and my Chihuahuas cuddling. I often find when people are around too much I get extremely agitated and the volcano inside explodes.
3. I am a bottler. Your probably wondering what that means — here goes, I bottle up all my feelings till one day the bottle is shaken just a little too hard and you decide to open it and well your out of luck because that bottle is now giving it to you left, right and sideways!!! It’s an unfortunate trait, but I’m not alone. I do my best to try to express myself, but sometimes the bottle still explodes.
4. I recently seem to have found myself in an internal struggle with my weight. Before my son I lost 28 lbs and worked hard to do so! But after I had my son — giving birth is so liberating and I had lost 90% of the weight I just got comfortable. But now I am finally ready to start the journey to getting fit again and spending more time on myself! Something I never wanted to do before because I felt guilty going to the gym and not spending the few hours a week I have with my son! But my itch to get fit is back — hopefully I can scratch it!
5. A struggle that I find a lot is that my husband is an extremely popular guy. When we go out with his friends I often feel extremely insecure and out-of-place, sometimes this feeling overwhelms me and I end up heading home early. I should note my husband does his best to include me, but my insecurities still make me feel this way
6. Before I met my husband I could not cook! He has taught me 70% of all things I know how to do the rest was calling my mom and learning over the phone or cook books. I’m blessed with an amazing cook for a husband! I now love to cook and bake!
7. I have a huge struggle with eye contact, I have really tried to deep dive into this the past few years and I find it happens with people I am most self-conscious and insecure around. I’m pretty thankful for my sons godfather for really pushing me to work on this aspect I am much more aware! But it is still a daily struggle that I am hugely insecure about. This is probably one I get the most insecure about in social settings.
8. I am extremely insecure of 90% of my friendships with people and often over analyze and wonder if they truly like me. Most of my pain has come from betrayal in friendships, so this makes me extremely hesitant with new friendships. This is probably why all of my dearest friends are also my longest!
9. I am incredibly scared of divorce. I found my person and everyday I am terrified of divorce. I know we have an incredible bond, a bond that is indescribable. I love him more than words can express and it’s not just love it’s a devotion and desire that nothing in my life has ever compared to, but marriage these days seems like your treading water in an ocean trying to not drown.. when the waters freezing, and everyone else seems to let it take them.. ( I don’t mean any offense to anyone who has taken this route, I realize how incredibly hard it is and that every love story is different). I know in my heart that my desire for my husband will never go away. He walks into a room and I still get butterflies and just can’t wait for him to be near me. Hopefully we can make it through the ocean.
10. I am a bitch. If I feel hurt by you watch out because you have just lit the fire under my ass to attack the shit out of you. I cannot help it, I am my mothers daughter. I am very bad for saying really mean things when I am mad. 99% of the time I feel they weren’t warranted.
I hope this gave you all a little bit more knowledge of who I am, and maybe you relate on some? Or have advice on how I can better myself? Or maybe you just have comforting words about my horrible traits lol. Either way. Thank you for reading! Ps… It was hard to find pictures without my son or dog babies..