I had a pretty happy childhood. The second eldest of four children. It was a lot of work for my mom and dad. They both worked full-time jobs and did stuff on the side. Their lives were extremely busy. Did I mention they had four kids?
When I think about my childhood I don’t have bad memories. I have memories of playing in my back yard in the pool with the neighborhood kids and my siblings. Family day trips to Gastown and Stanley Park. Running around outside and getting dirty. A childhood most people dream their children to have. But I also remember always having to do my chores, ensuring they were done by 5:30 when Dad got home from work. My sister was often the “mom” around the house till mom got home around 6:30-7, telling us kids what to do, dividing the chores up and making sure our younger siblings helped out. With that many kids our house was loud, it was fun but it was strict. My parents as I have previously mentioned in previous blogs were “yellers”.
Dad would round us kids up on Saturday morning for us to get our chores done while Mom was off hosting open houses or helping families find their dream home. When Dad came home and chores weren’t done we would all be scrambling around the house getting them done while dad yelled and Uncle Davey made dinner. I know now this is how my Dad was raised in a house with 8 kids I KNOW my grandparents must have yelled. I have no grudges towards how I was raised or how my parents treated me — AT ALL! But I do see how yelling now makes me feel. When I am yelled at a trigger in my brain goes off; I immediately get upset, get defensive and get super emotional.
But here is where my story begins; I catch myself all the time, raising my voice at my son. Now when I am discussing yelling I mean yelling “No”, or raising my voice when I don’t necessarily need to. I need to stop this, My son is just starting to really push boundaries and test me. So I know better than anyone that I need to grab this habit by the reigns and get a hold of it. But how? I have been reading so much about how to talk to a toddler, and how to control your frustrations. But how do you get rid of a habit that has been passed down generations?
I realize that some parents parent in this manner I have nothing against it, I just feel so sick when I am yelled at and I can’t grasp why I am yelling at my son. I know it happens most when I am frustrated. Hold on, I need to stop and explain I am not yelling super loud or getting crazy or harming my child, but I do raise my voice more often than I want to. I want to be able to speak to my son and respect him, be his #1 ambassador. I want to take no shit but not raise my voice so much. I feel like now is the time to grab a hold of this habit before he gets older and crazier and I decide its a good idea to have another.
This is one of my most insecure feelings as a mother. Since becoming a Mom I have never felt more in my own skin, more secure, more happy. I just want to be the best mother for my son. So I am reaching out to fellow mothers. What do you do when you get overwhelmed? How do you stop yourself from raising your voice? Also.. am I alone in this world where you have a habit and you feel like the worst person in the world for it? I hope that I have explained myself right for people to understand what I mean.
My son has been sleeping so crappy the last few weeks, My husband and I are literally running on 2-4 hours a night of sleep some days and I know my little monster is just having a really rough go with getting all 4 two year molars early. So I am little bit more irritable that I wish.. But how do I nip this habit in the butt? I am going to continue to read my book “Happiest Toddler on the Block” and just get back to taking time for myself so I can hopefully feel a little less stress.
Anyways I have finished ranting about my parenting failure. Let me know if I am not alone, because I feel like I need to hear someone else’s struggle, to give me sanity. Being a mom is tough, its the hardest job I have ever had but oh gosh is it not the most rewarding.
PS. I have got some really exciting stuff coming up, I am going to be featuring some local vendors, Going to be doing some Easter Weekend Recaps from Pearce’s First Easter Egg hunt. So Stay tuned lots of fun stuff coming up for April.