uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
I woke up over a month ago, feeling no different physically but knowing that where I had been a year ago to this moment was miles away from today. When I think back on my 20s I am so incredibly glad for 3 things,
1. I spent them with my husband
2. That I have grown up
3. That I no longer feel the desire to be someone I am not.
I use meeting my husband as a changing point in my life. It was a critical time in my life I had just exited a 5 year-long emotionally damaging relationship, which had given me little faith in men or relationships. It was also 1 month after losing a father figure in my life – Uncle Dave. – looking back at the girl my husband met I see a truly lost, insecure and damaged young girl. Without my husband and the people he has brought into my life I don’t think that I would be the more confident, self loving, self-aware woman I am today.
When I met Chris the insecurities were by the dozen. I hated so many parts of myself, there were so many things I wished away that were a part of me, the years that it took for me to even be comfortable in my own skin is strange to most. I am truly eternally grateful for my husband; for saving me, for loving me and for showing me that I am worth far more than any man before him ever let me be. I like to think we both taught each other a lot.
I wanted to write a blog about my insecurities as a woman because a long time ago someone used social media to break me down, to make me feel small and the things said really made me second guess my life for many years. I now feel confident enough that I know social media is everyone’s highlight real and that it is totally okay to post only the good things in life – Why dwell on the bad? The other reason I wanted to write this is because I think more women should feel like they can own their insecurities, we are only as good as today – So own it.
I would say there are 3 main insecurities right now that really bring me down. I am at a place now where I own these insecurities and remind myself that it is just me being insecure.
I have always met new people and tried to see the good. Opened my home, and invited them into my bubble. But over and over again I have found that this didn’t work for me I am constantly left feeling hurt by friends. Maybe it was my choice of people, or maybe it was my expectations. Either or, I feel that friendship is a huge insecurity of mine because I often think the worst that people aren’t genuinely my friend, or that they don’t like me for me? Maybe they are just being my friend for something I have? I’ve never felt truly accepted by any friend or known that the friendship was unbreakable and that they liked me for me. I second guess even my oldest friendships always wondering if they will last? Or as I have less to offer they will go away.
2. My appearance.
For as long as I can remember I have changed always covering and hiding, never truly feeling comfortable in the skin I was given. Always longing to be shorter, have a smaller nose, hide the cold sores, and the scars. Wish that I could be sexy without trying so hard. That I was photogenic, that I didn’t get cold sores, or zits, that I didn’t have eczema on my arms. It wasn’t until I had my son that I truly began to love my body. That I appreciated all the amazing things it did for me, for my son and for all that it gives me each day. To where I could feel comfortable positing a picture of my progress or even to just be okay with the girl looking back at me in a selfie. I still feel insecure about my appearance, and find a lot of the things above present but now I just try to remind myself that My opinion of myself is the only one that matters
3. Social anxiety
For as long as I can remember I felt like I didn’t fit in. Like I was staring at the bubble always looking in never feeling really comfortable but always trying to be a part of it. As I got older things got worse. I started to Long for alone time. Where it was quiet and I felt comfortable. Where the claustrophobia of group settings didn’t make me feel overwhelmed. Still now I think this issue is my biggest insecurity that I struggle with the most probably because my husband is a social butterfly with so many different groups of friends. When I do go in social settings where I am not comfortable I almost always want to put my foot in my mouth because silence in group settings has always made this worse where I feel there needs to be NO silence – which leads to foot in mouth!
I can remember a time when each of these things didn’t exist. At different times, when All these insecurities were gone. When making friends was easy. When relationships hadn’t made me lose myself. Slowly but surely as the 20s end, (I’m 29 now) I know it’s just going to get better, I am just going to love myself more and get more comfortable I only hope that this means slowly these will fall away. That being in something healthy and not toxic, by leaving the things that make me upset behind and by simply stepping outside the comfort zone – it can only get better. 29 has brought so much to me, and the main thing is that I am me – I no longer have any desire to be anyone else, because I am extremely grateful for all I have, insecurities or not.
I hope by me being open and letting you in, you see that it is totally okay to be insecure and that all it does is make us human. Maybe it even helps you better understand me if you know me. I love all of my readers and appreciate your support, May you always love yourself!