It’s been a few months since I wrote a blog, I wasn’t sure how I wanted to talk about it. But it was a hard few months, and I feel like I need to explain myself.
When I was younger I suffered a traumatic event that caused me to develop social anxiety. It was extremely bad and slowly through counseling I was able to make it better. It’s been over 10 years since this happened and I found it coming back these past few months. Sometimes this consumes me, and makes me a very secluded person. I am not sure what triggered it these past few months, but it got very bad.
I think it started in December, the looming date of moving into a home I didn’t like. For the first time in our relationship, I let my husband make a huge decision for us on his own. Selling our first home I was ready for, or so I thought. Then we bought a home that to me didn’t feel like home. We moved into our New home in January and I felt incredibly lost. We went from staying in our friends beautiful brand new basement suite to living in a home with a kitchen with only 2 drawers. No junk drawer – how would I survive. Slowly we started to put our stamp on the home. Although now I am really starting to like the home and I didn’t feel better.
I am anxious about every social outing I attend, my husband is an incredibly social person and thrives in these settings and I feel like I could stay home and be safe.
Then came February, we found out we were expecting our second child. I was so excited to be pregnant. We had just started trying and I had wanted this for over a year. But this pregnancy has been rough. I have been sick, exhausted and more sick. I didn’t know it was possible to hate every food group. The worst part is the heightened sense of smell has been so incredibly tough to deal with because every smell makes me want to vomit. It was so hard to tough through when nobody knew. I felt like crap all the time and couldn’t tell people why. My incredible husband stepped up so much, taking on so much. He cleaned, he cooked, he cared for our child, while I barely managed to make lunches and do bed time.
It was a weird experience for both of us, I felt great my entire pregnancy with Pearce. I never felt sick, and never felt sad. It made me wonder if I was even happy to be pregnant. We are now in our second trimester and I am still sick, but slowly my energy has come back, and I have started to feel better. Pregnant woman go through so many changes physically, that sometimes we forget just how hard everything is for us emotionally.
I spent the last 5 months feeling really low, and I know it started before December. But I have pushed so many people away and hurt a lot of friendships and relationships with loved ones, just because sometimes It feels better to feel alone. (For a second anyway and then it just feels incredibly lonely). It wasn’t until I talked to my sister and told her how I was feeling internally that I realized my social anxiety was back full force. It feels like everyone is out to get me, Like no good can come from anything. Like nobody truly likes you. The insecurities and sadness that I have felt, and pushed onto those near me has been so hard to deal with, most days it has felt like I have been stuck in a hole unable to dig my way out.
Which is why I decided to share it, talking to my sister gave me relief, slowly I would bring it up with friends and tell them how I was feeling, and slowly I felt better. So I decided to be incredibly raw and truthful with loved ones, strangers, and friends through my blog. It is my passion to write, since I was little and this anxiety has taken this away from me, So I felt like what better way to get out of my hole, then share it with everyone. Although I don’t feel ready to have one on one conversations with everyone in my life, I know this is a step in the right direction, and that I just need to push myself to get out of my comfort zone even if it means feeling incredibly anxious. Baby steps.. before the baby.
I appreciate all who takes the time to read this, and I know that I am not alone dealing with these issues. My hope is that maybe it helps you and something that you are dealing with. May we not suffer alone.