Absence

Some of you may have noticed that it has been awhile since I have written. This year has brought so many amazing things into my life, and so many overwhelming feelings that I was not prepared to feel.

I discussed in my last blog that I suffer from social anxiety, and after writing it I had so many friends reach out and tell me they had no idea. I thought writing about how I was feeling would be therapeutic and help me to better deal with what I was going through. But the truth is that it did and it didn’t.

To start, I don’t want to say that it didn’t help to write about it, because it did, I think the problem was that I wasn’t ready to deal with them. The past few months have been an emotional roller coaster. From the highest of highs, to the lowest of lows, the truth is that life is hard. It isn’t always easy and people come into your life and leave your life, and things happen that have ripple effects. Sometimes when you get everything you’ve always wanted you aren’t prepared to not feel complete? – Let me explain.

From the moment I became a mother to our beautiful little boy, I felt a sense of meaning, that I finally knew what I wanted from life, what I needed and that I had found something that really made me happy – I couldn’t wait to do it again! Flash forward 2.5 years and after many discussions with my husband, friends who have multiples, we tried and we got pregnant. It was all I had wanted, but I couldn’t explain why this didn’t make me the happiest person in the world. So many people long for babies, and try and try and it doesn’t happen or suffer loses, and we were truly blessed that this time around trying, it happened right away. We are going to be a family of 4 – what I wasn’t prepared for was the feeling of loss. Sometimes gaining one more means that you have to mourn the loss of an only child, you have to mourn the loss of time, and you have to admit that getting pregnant at a time when you’re not emotionally healthy can be hard.

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This year has been one of the hardest in a long time. I felt the best way to deal with it, wasn’t to pretend my life was perfect and continue writing blogs, when I didn’t have my heart in it. I didn’t want to pretend on social media that I was this incredibly happy person, when the truth is most days I didn’t feel that way. We are gearing down to the end of this pregnancy, and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The morning sickness has finally ended, I will be going on leave at the end of the week and I know it couldn’t come at a more perfect time. The aches and pains are coming on stronger, and I know this means our little bundle is coming soon. My family has gone through so much the past few months and I know we are ready to bring this baby into this family with happy hearts. I know that it won’t be easy, or all be good days but I think I am finally emotionally healthy to bring this baby. Part of me thinks I needed each one of these bad days, these struggles, these lessons to get to this point – part of me thinks it was too much to deal with. But I am so excited for the future.

My absence from the blog was really good for me, as much as It brings me pleasure and fulfillment in writing sometimes its nice to step away, not put so much on yourself to enjoy the family time, the toddler snuggles, the married life and not put extra pressure on things. I have tried to spend as much time as possible really enjoy Pearce before our time together is shared. I think this for me will be the hardest, I have no idea what our future brings or what being a mom of 2 is all about but I am so excited to find out.

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Until baby’s arrival later next month, I plan on enjoying snuggles with the toddler, and puppies. Possibly a date night with the hub, and definitely some oreo cookies dipped in milk.

Tata For Now Friends ❤ 

xOx Chelsea

The hardest blog I’ve ever written

It’s been a few months since I wrote a blog, I wasn’t sure how I wanted to talk about it. But it was a hard few months, and I feel like I need to explain myself.

When I was younger I suffered a traumatic event that caused me to develop social anxiety. It was extremely bad and slowly through counseling I was able to make it better. It’s been over 10 years since this happened and I found it coming back these past few months. Sometimes this consumes me, and makes me a very secluded person. I am not sure what triggered it these past few months, but it got very bad.

I think it started in December, the looming date of moving into a home I didn’t like. For the first time in our relationship, I let my husband make a huge decision for us on his own. Selling our first home I was ready for, or so I thought. Then we bought a home that to me didn’t feel like home. We moved into our New home in January and I felt incredibly lost. We went from staying in our friends beautiful brand new basement suite to living in a home with a kitchen with only 2 drawers. No junk drawer – how would I survive. Slowly we started to put our stamp on the home. Although now I am really starting to like the home and I didn’t feel better.

I am anxious about every social outing I attend, my husband is an incredibly social person and thrives in these settings and I feel like I could stay home and be safe.

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Then came February, we found out we were expecting our second child. I was so excited to be pregnant. We had just started trying and I had wanted this for over a year. But this pregnancy has been rough. I have been sick, exhausted and more sick. I didn’t know it was possible to hate every food group. The worst part is the heightened sense of smell has been so incredibly tough to deal with because every smell makes me want to vomit. It was so hard to tough through when nobody knew. I felt like crap all the time and couldn’t tell people why. My incredible husband stepped up so much, taking on so much. He cleaned, he cooked, he cared for our child, while I barely managed to make lunches and do bed time.

It was a weird experience for both of us, I felt great my entire pregnancy with Pearce. I never felt sick, and never felt sad. It made me wonder if I was even happy to be pregnant. We are now in our second trimester and I am still sick, but slowly my energy has come back, and I have started to feel better. Pregnant woman go through so many changes physically, that sometimes we forget just how hard everything is for us emotionally.

I spent the last 5 months feeling really low, and I know it started before December. But I have pushed so many people away and hurt a lot of friendships and relationships with loved ones, just because sometimes It feels better to feel alone. (For a second anyway and then it just feels incredibly lonely). It wasn’t until I talked to my sister and told her how I was feeling internally that I realized my social anxiety was back full force. It feels like everyone is out to get me, Like no good can come from anything. Like nobody truly likes you. The insecurities and sadness that I have felt, and pushed onto those near me has been so hard to deal with, most days it has felt like I have been stuck in a hole unable to dig my way out.

Which is why I decided to share it, talking to my sister gave me relief, slowly I would bring it up with friends and tell them how I was feeling, and slowly I felt better. So I decided to be incredibly raw and truthful with loved ones, strangers, and friends through my blog. It is my passion to write, since I was little and this anxiety has taken this away from me, So I felt like what better way to get out of my hole, then share it with everyone. Although I don’t feel ready to have one on one conversations with everyone in my life, I know this is a step in the right direction, and that I just need to push myself to get out of my comfort zone even if it means feeling incredibly anxious. Baby steps.. before the baby.

I appreciate all who takes the time to read this, and I know that I am not alone dealing with these issues. My hope is that maybe it helps you and something that you are dealing with. May we not suffer alone.

xOx Chelsea 

DIY Stone Fireplace!

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I am gonna be really honest, this move to our new home has been hard for me. I didn’t love our home at first sight like I did with our last, I didn’t get the feeling I had with our last home, I let my husband chose. We were getting super discourage, super stressed, nothing felt right. This home has great bones, its got a beautiful deck for entertaining and its rancher so really whats not to love!! I think we had worked so hard on our last home, doing a massive renovation of our basement, painting it from top to bottom that when we moved into a home that needed our love again I was discouraged. However since moving in I am slowly falling in love, of course I painted our home mostly white. I like to think of my decorating style as white on white on white – Which my husband hates! But he tolerates it because it has such a clean feel.

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So our new home is rancher and has a lot less natural light than our last home, so it has been an adjustment we painted the whole thing white, minus the bathroom and our master, I even painted a wood wall which everyone told me I’d regret.  PS I don’t! However we had this fireplace to deal with. My husband didn’t want me to paint it he wanted to leave it as he felt it broke up the white, and could be taken out down the road. But seriously since we moved in I knew I was going to be painting the stone all white!! The gas fireplace unit is very dated and had tons of gold detailing, which I knew I would just paint black like our last home. Lots of people suggested replacing it however that fireplace is a beastttttt – We’d be crazy to get a new one, they just don’t make ’em like they used to!

So last weekend was the Alberta Family day, and since my position at my work is actually for our Edmonton Branch, I was off Monday. Here was my chance, my husband had already told me he would be gone for most of Saturday and come home mid-afternoon Sunday. I knew he would never let me do it if he was home, so I waited for this family day weekend. (It is his best friends birthday so I knew he’d be out of the house).

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After he left I wasted NO time. I washed the entire wall again with TSP, after it dried I actually took a blow dryer to the wall to ensure there was no dust in the cracks between the stone – there was!! Then I chose to white wash the stone as I had been pinteresting them a lot and found some I had really liked. I purchased Rust-oleum Chalked Ultra matte paintLinen white, 1 887 ml can and a can of their spray paint – same color! I took a medium size Tupperware container and dumped the paint in, Then I added a whole Can of Water and stirred. I purchased a 2 1/2 inch paint brush,stain pro application sponge as well to help with the application. I started a the top of the fireplace to be able to touch up the drips.

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As I painted I held the stain applicator sponge under the paint brush to catch most of the paint and then I also used the sponge to get into cracks. Where the cracks couldn’t fit the sponge I used the spray point to get to. It was pretty tedious work but the end result was totally worth it and it only took about 2 hours. After the white dried I used Tremclad High Heat enamel in Flat black and painted our fireplace insert, it was extremely faded and had lots of gold so I painted the entire thing to keep the color the same all over.

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Best part, the whole project was done before my husband got home, so he has to just live with it!

I have read a few people who did the white wash ended up doing two coats, but I actually really like the texture that 1 coat gave us, Take a look and tell me what you think! This project is so important to me as it is the first room you see when you walk into our home and is a total focal point – I absolutely love my fireplace now and think I may love my house a lot more since completing this project as well! As soon as we find a couch we can both agree on I will post some pics of the entire space, as right now we have nothing in the room as we hunt for the perfect couch for this space!

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xOx Chelsea